Thanks Giving.

It is thanksgiving today, I am over at a family friends with my family. I am sitting alone in a side room, but I can still hear my family laughing and talking. I Have head phones on but I can still hear them, I am in this room think about this year, and all I have to be thankfull for. So much has happened recently I have changed so much and for ever. This last year has probably made the most posative impact on my life over any other year I have ever lived. Wether its through a wonderful family who love and support me to the best friends and almost sister anyone could ever ask for, to the birth of the most beautiful daughter anyone could ever ask for. This last year had possably the best summer of my life, wich i spent with my best and dearest friends. I did one of the hardest things ever by placing my beautifull daughter for adoption, there was a lot of ups and downs but as I reflect on this year I can only see overly posative change in my life. I have been getting good grades In school and I am going to be joining running start at green river community collage this january. I am looking for a job, I have a wonderful understanding and awesome boyfriend. Christina (who unfortantly couldnt come to dinner today at my house like i hoped) even though we are apart, she is the other half of me, my very best friend and i couldnt of dont this last couple years of my life with out her. we will allways be friends I know we will grow old together and live in our own candy city that we rule with all the chocolate in the world lol :) My teacher ms magyar and my adpotion councler at lds family social services are also two very big influences in positive change in my life and i really apreciate you as teachers and mentors. I have learned so much this year about others but mostly myself. I have come to find my self so much through the pregnancy and the adoption school friends i have been so busy you would think i wouldnt have time to find much of anything. I found a lot out about who I am and what I can handle, I have really tested my self this last year and i will only continue to push for the better for myself. There are things I want to acheive and I will make it happen. To all my friends family and to the wonderful friends, the angels who adopted my little girl I love you all so much I can even say it. You have all changed my life and I have learned so much from this class and life... But i certanly think documenting this made it more real and easyer to avoid depression wich I have meraculously have! woop woop. happy thanksgiving everyone I truly hope that you all really think about all of the wonderful things that have happened to you this year and tell some one you love them and you are happy they are your friend. I know its sounds cheesy but the world could use more love. So I would rather live life through rose colored glasses over living life with mud on your glasses.

SMILES. So I have been in the hospital since friday! woop woop. I just barely got home last night. The surgery went well but I can honestly say I now understand why people hate hospital. I can honestly say gall bladders are worse than child birth, way worse. The Morphine makes you so sleepy but doesnt take away all of the pain. I was really groggy and majorly drugged for like three days straight and now im still in a lot of pain. All I want to do is sleep all of the time. It was very different compared to my last time in the hospital wich was exactly a month ago to the day of Corinne being born, It is hard not to compare. My last hospital trip was filled with joy and happieness and the birth of my baby. Not to mention I got to hold her all night and this time i got to be alone and in pain and concentrate on breathing to try and forget about the insaine pain. I am really tired so im going to nap ill post more later.

Good knews everyone. I have to get surgery! YAY. So i have been having these weird chest pains for a while and they started while I was prenant. Its a radiating pain that starts out small im my back and then grows larger and larger. They are far more plainful then childbirth any day. Everyone kept saying oh I think they are panick attacks and anxiety. I was like no these arent panick attacks. So today I had one that lasted almost three house and was so painfull that I went to the hospital for it. They all thought I was just having a panick attack that I was fine. Finally a doctor checks me out, and I have tons of gull stones!!!! I have to get my gall bladder removed and still I have two more root canals all this after only of having my baby exactly for weeks ago today at 306pm. This saturday is her 1 month, happy one month of life corinne and many more to come. well I have school in the morning so ttyl

Happy Halloween. well it was yesterday but whatever, lol. I have a fully clean room, hard to believe but it is true!!! took me long enough haha. So Corinne was a bear for halloween cute right. I thought she was going to be a strawberry but I guess they went with bear instead. You know what I think is funny you could dress your kid up as the most ridiculouse things when they are babys because there is nothing they can do about. think of all the poor babys that have had to dress up like something lame or embarrising just because they arent old enough to tell us they want to spit up all over what they are wearing. I saw benni bennassi he was amazing. Although I must say as nice as the wings are they sure as hell get in the way a lot. I kept bumping into people and not fitting in spaces i should be able to fit :( I have to go back to school and to be honest I am not sure i will even pass this session. I am so blahz'e in school now it isnt even funny. I got kicked out of class on thursday because me and a teacher got in a fight >:( lol I shouldn't have but whatever nothing I can do about it now. Puscifer is coming to town on the 6th and I really want to go but I wont be able to oh well next time around i guess. My nieces were a pirate and an angel, super cute guys thanks for the pics. I really miss Corinne but I hear she is doing well and sleeping through most nights. I cant wait till I get to see her again.

I got new pictures in my email, yay! So this is one of them. I have to say I have had a very very very good weekend so far and the best is yet to come. Last night I went to a Lazar show with a friend and left the Lazar show with a boyfriend. I said I wasn't going to date for a while but I can just let this one go. He is such a gentleman who ever said chivalry is dead hasn't met my boyfriend. I really really like him and couldn't ask for a better Halloween treat :) I also have a concert tomorrow with benni bennassi! woot woot I love benni bennassi. So Christina will be over in the morning and we will finish out tutus and stuff and then we will be leaving with a group of people to go to the concert. I am then hanging out with Olin ( my boyfriend) on Sunday woot. What i especially like about him is that he really doesn't pry about Corinne he lets me talk about her when I want to and then lets it be over when its over. He is so understanding and sweet. I really miss Corinne the adoptive parents sent my parents a thank you note and a birth announcement, but my package of pictures hasn't come yet. I am pretty sure the last cd didn't work because my mac is so much older then their mac and I don't have I life 09 so it wont read the pictures, lame sauce right? I met a guy on face book through mutual friends and he has a little girl. She is super cute and he is so proud of her. It is interesting meeting parents because only other parents feel, how your child just makes you beem with pride! How you want to plaster your kids picture in every ones face because they are sooo beautiful. I cant wait to see a pic of Corinne in her Halloween outfit I don't even know what they are dressing her up as but I cant wait. well that is all cianora

I am going to see lazer tool with my friend tonight. I am very excited although my day so far has not been good at all. I got to school only to remember I forgot to bring my book for a class. I also found out I have oil all over the back of my favorite shirt and pants. Then second period I got into a disagreement with my teacher so I left. I know normally it is not appropriate just to leave school but I am taking a mental health day to save the rest of my school from me. I also am very upset because I can not find my neckalace, I am really hoping I left it in the bathroom from when I took a shower last night, The necklace is very important to me and I never take it off accept to shower. I can say I would be truly devastated if i lost it. I love it because it is a constant reminder of corinne and I allway were it for her. I want today to be a good day but so far it really isnt working out. Tool is one of my favorite bands of all time. I absolutely love them. I am hopefully going to go to Puscifer, I have enough for half a ticket lol, the conert is on the sixth of november and I realy want to go. I am so excited for this weekend. Halloween is going to be amazing. I am going to a concert but I am still wearing a costume. I am very glad because this will be the first time I get to see christina since the baby was born. I really miss her. It is hard when your best friend lives far away and neither of you can drive :( I am currently at my moms school were I will remain till the end of the day. I would rather be here then at New Start, I really love working with my moms kids they are such sweat hearts.

So today I got the pictures in the mail. They are beautiful and I will be posting some soon. I got into a little hot water with my parents for the state of my bedroom and my general blahness towards life right now. I mean I dont want to do anything bad. I dont want to go like bing drink or go to some super crazy partys, but at the same time I dont really want to do anything good. I really just want to be with corinne so everything els seems kinda stupid in comperison. I hear everyone talking about the partys or this and that. All the things that go on in normal teenage life and it all seems so stupid. I hear people talk about love and beauty and i realise that they have no idea what they are talking about. I never knew love untill I looked at my baby, I never knew beauty till I experianced birth. Now that picture to the left, that is true beauty and love an happyness all rolled into one for me. I would give anything to wake up everymorning to the face of my baby. I would give anything to wake up to her screams in the middle of the night. Although her mother tell me she is doing really well at sleeping through the night. I wonder how she does it. How she sleeps with out me there, I dont sleep with out her. I wake up a couple times a night usually. I yearn to just hold her and look at her face. I was holding my 3 week old neice, and I looked at her and thought "I could be holding Corinne right now, this could be my baby. She is the same size and almost same age." I just closed my eyes and pretended I was holding Corinne untill I had to give her back to her mom. I didnt get to hold her for very long, and as dissapointing it was to open my eyes and see my beautiful neice and not my daughter It made me happy while I could pretend. If corinne was a drug, id be addicted. I love her pictures and her eyes and face. I wait for them and wish I could only get them more often. I hold her blanket and doll and wish she was here to actually play with them although she isnt at the playing with toys yet stage. I got a cd with the pictures and I dont know why but the cd does not work. I have like a hundred beautifull new pictures of her and i cant even put them on my computer :( I have to go back to school tomorrow and I am so not looking forward to it. Math is now my least favorite class then first period fourth period then third. That shows you how much i dislike my classes this session, i have them listed from worst to least bad but i defenetly dont have favorites. Each class is like a chore I wish It was last session again because I really enjoyed my classes last session. Its even worse that my least not faverite class is the horrable sex ed class with my least favorite teacher. well She isnt my least favorite we just dont allways get along but she is a nice enough lady. I think seeing Corinne next july might be my only motavation for anything right now, i wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up and it be july 1st. I know my mother is right, I am going through a lot but I shouldnt use it as an excuss. I am going to try my best wether I like it or not. Mom dad I am sorry for the rudeness the last couple days.

Well I just got a root canal today. . . fun :( I am feeling much less sore though and recently I have been having a lot more energy and able to go out a lot more. I really dont like being at the house. It seems like a one way ticket to depression, the more I am at home and in my room the worse my mood is. I miss Corinne so much it hurts. I am starting to get really lonely. I hate being by my self. I am so sad and still happy because I still know she is happy, and like I said I would rather me be unhappy and her be happy then me be happy at her exspence. It doesnt change the fact though that she is gone and she will never be mine again. I love her so much and sometimes all I want is to have her in my arms, or to look into her eyes. I wonder how she has changed all ready. Her mother says she thinks she is already bigger. I wonder how much she weighs or if she has smiled yet. I wonder if she thinks of her mother is her birthmother. I wonder if she remembers me. I dont know how long a babys memory is but I dont think I can think about the Idea of her not remembering who I am the next time she sees me. I will be a stranger to my daughter, If it werent for the fact that I luckly have an open adoption I could see her on the street and she wouldnt know me. I dont want to talk about this any more. I am going out with my friends tonight and i have to get ready.

I dont even want to go into how much today sucked. It just seems like something after something after something just doesn't go the way you want. I found out all kinds of stuff today I just wasnt ready for and didnt care to know. I feel like people around me are getting into bad moods and I am getting along with them less. I hate being nagged, I totally just dont want to go to school. Its bad cuz school is super important and i need to stay focused to keep a place to live but it isnt interesting. The work is to easy and this whole no school on fridays thing is weird and i dont understand how it work. I havent turned in my hours cuz i dont know how to log them or if i have to fill out a stupid little sheet for everything I do. So much is just so frustraiting I just wish my life would sort itself out for once and I could just go to sleep for three months while it happened like being on autopilot like on click. only with out the whole remote can remember and do stuff of its own function. I dont even know i have a migrain. I feel like I am so freaking alone, I dont even know what to do with myself at night. no one understands this and it sucks. It sucks even more when dumb people try to pretend like they no what you are going through and they have no idea. Dont say you understand because you dont and you never will so thanks but no thanks. Its not allways like this i mean most of the day are good days but i feel like this one was just really bad. Probably one of the worst since the birth and adoption. Oh well there are other days today just wasnt my day I guess. I feel alone just like I want a hug or some one to understand but then when someone hugs me or trys to understand I get mad and frustrated because they dont. I feel like everyone els is just so happy go lucky with their perfect little lifes in their perfect little world were nothing goes wrong and here I am every day I have to make the concouse desistion to try and be happy that day. If i dont I am just in between all day like purgitory not bad but not good. What ever I have a head ache so I am going to sleep. Goodnight. Ps I want banana pancakes

So today I went back to school, It was not that bad at all in fact no one even really talked about her at all. They all just asked about the birth and stuff. I have the most boring first period in the world that class puts me to sleep! My second period is health, sex education. It is a all girls class and today we looked at enough nasty pictures of stds to make me go abstinent for life! I mean I though pregnancy was a big enough reason to never want sex again this stuff was nasty, and I mean NASTY! Yuck! tomorrow I think we learn how to put a condom on and go to the teen clinic. Man I am glad they test you for std when you get pregnant cuz that it gross!!!! So then after school Me, and some friends of mine from school were al hanging out and at Mcdonalds and my friend locked her keys in her car! Then the stupid people at Mcdonalds got our orders all mixed up and we had to wait for like forever for the food to get there and even longer for someone to get to us that can open a car door. Finally my mom just came and picked me up, but i hear they got the door open shortly after. Corinne should have her professional and first set of pictures and letter coming up in the mail with in the next week or so. . . Yay I am so excited I miss her so much! I really miss being able to hold her in my arms, I remember I stayed up wtih her almost all of the night I had with her in the hospital. I told my parents it was because she was being a little fussy and she was being a little fussy. A really little haha. It was more really I couldnt let her go, I didnt want to put her down in the bassenett beside me because that was too far away. I miss the closeness with her, but at the same time I am definetly loving not being pregnant. I weighed my self and I am only like five or six more pounds then I was before i got pregnant but in four or five weeks I can exersize again and not only will i lose the rest but I will tone it all! I am hearing that people like the blog and that is great. I didnt really start this intending to have a bunch of people to be reading it but if It can make a difference for anyone then I defenetly dont mind. Holloween is coming up and I need to finish my tutus :( well I am soooooo tired I got barely any sleep last night so I will write more later.

Just a really small one here before I go to sleep. A family friends three year old daughter tried to moon some kids that were playing across the street and as she stuck her bumm up against the screen she fell through and down two story. She is okay but they are keeping her overnight at the hospital and my heart goes out to her mother. I would freak out if Corrine fell out a window, seems like a lot of near death experiances latley what with my dad driving off a cliff and all. Lucky thing is all are only near death no one is actually dieing so lets keep it that way folks! I miss Corrine so much it makes me sick. I might actually not even be joking. I havent felt extremly well since saturday and that is when she left for texas. Mentally I feel fine but I have been having a hard time sleeping and having tummy aches and head aches. I had a massive head ache all today and that is why I didnt return to school today. I am returning tomorrow though I promise :) I was watching Gone To Far, Its DJ AMs show about hellping some drug addicted teenagers get clean and it made me cry cuz most of the girls on that show are herione addicts like my mom. I know she has been clean latley but were she is living really worrys me. I dont know how much longer she can do this to herself I am afraid the next time my sister calls me it will be because my mother is dead. Looking at her life and watching that show I never want to be like her with her addiction, It sickens me to even watch. I look at Corinne and I could never do that to her. I would never choose anything over over her, I would die for her. I would never lie to her or steal from her like my mother has with me (oh this is my birth mother for clarification). I dont see how my mom could do it to us. I really just dont understand and i probably never will. I will allways love her but I will never understand her. These shows are pretty graffic to they show the needles and stuff, the girls shooting up. It makes me want to barf. I have seen my mom and I know she had done the same thing, I know my father did that to and it killed him. I have never mentioned this before but my birthfather died from infection caused by shooting up with a dirty needle. He then had his leg amputated and didnt take care of it and got a nother infection that killed him. All because of the drugs. I have watched my birth family be torn apart by drugs. I see the way my sibilings treat my mother and I know i never want to be like that or have a realationship like that with my daughter. I only hope My mother gets clean so she can stay alive and one day when Corinne is old enough maybe she will still be there to start a good realationship with her grandaughter. So she can have with Corinne what she couldnt have with me because of her addiction. well thats all for now. night :)

So I am watching Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. Its cute its got the same actor from its a wonderful life, I absolutely love old movies! I am watching Gone With The Wind next. I went to church with my friend for the first time today, it was a young single adults activity. I have never been to ysa thing before and I didnt mind. I saw some kids from church I havent seen in a while. Church isnt really my thing but I didnt mind going. I have head ache and I really hope it goes away by tomorrow. . . So my missing school work is still not found and I am sooo angry. I better find it I can not, and I mean can not fail anything this year >:( I can say defenetly Jimmy Stewart I think is one of my favorite old movie actors easily. Well I have a head ache thats all for now.

So I am waiting for my friend olin to come get me. So I thought "hey why dont I blog a little". I have to say I have come to enjoying this blog much more then I thought I would. I wonder if people actually read it outside of ms. magyar. Today Corinne is in texas. This is her new home for Some leangth of time till her family can move back to washington. I miss her but I get to see her in july. I am pleased to anounce I am healing wonderfully and everyone should expect me back at school on monday if everything goes according to plan! yay! I am going out late fore the first time tonight! I am usually sleeping by now but i have found myself with more and more energy as time goes on! I just got more pictures printed for Corinnes book today so i will start working on that again. Bad knews still no sighn of the missing school work (this is a subject that is really starting to worry me). I find myself starting to have a small lack of interest in anything that is not baby realated. This isnt so good as my doctor says it is a sighn of post pardom but I will watch myself and see how that goes. I need to stay interested though cuz I dont want to like fail classes. I have to say though looks wise I feel pretty good! I have a small belly but hey come on I was pregnant. I will make it go away. I am also feeling like I want a cigarette lolz its funny i didnt go through any withdrawl when i quit cuz i was pregnant but now its like i smell a cigarette and my mouth starts to water and I just want one. I dont know how that work but dont worry I am not planning on starting again. I have been eating a lot of fish too, making up for lost time I guess. :) But I am feeling mostly content with how things are right now. I should be stressing a little more about the school work but im finding it hard to. Can you have like opisite post pardom were you are like to happy? hmmm something to ponder I guess.

Haha My hair is super crazy in this picture right? funny funny. So through the grape vine I hear my teacher really likes my blog :) A+ material right? Hehe just kidding. I actually really enjoy blogging. Its like I get to say everything about how I feel about this with out actually having to talk to anyone about it, its nice. Honestly I dont know if I could talk like this out loud. Corinne leaves for texas saturday, my little cow girl I guess. Im scared and happy, I feel a little helpless she is going so far away. I wont be around if she needs help or protection. Im just glad I found a family I feel I can trust with her well being. As it is I ruined all my hard work, I was on a diet (to rid myself of mommy fluff) I had cut way back on sweets and had not had a soda in like four days. Alas it did not last as my parental units took us all out for my brothers birthday :( we went to the old spagetti factory and I ate this huge piece of delouse coffee ice cream cake and an Italian soda :( but I must say it was good :) coffee flavored things are created by the devil to lure me into being fat. Haha just kidding. I will start walking tomorrow and just go back to eating healthy and soon hopefully my tummy will return to its former glory, besides the fact my streatch marks will all ways be there :( oh well. At dinner my too cute three week old neice was there. It was interesting to see how big she was already after being born only three weeks ago! I remember she was a little wrinkle ball just like corinne. I love how wrinkled new borns are, its precouse. Any way I started thinking about how in two weeks Corinne will have probably filled out all her wrinkley skin too, and I wont be there to see. but being a birthmother I have to accept that one of the things that I chose to sacrafice for her happieness is that I will not watcher her grow day by day, I will not see her first steps or hear her first word. I wont potty train her or help her with homework, and that is okay. I feel sad when I think of all I will miss in her life. I only hope she loves me enough that one day she will want me in her life and tell and share things about herself with me. I realise though that in only the best of ways she will miss out on nothing. She may not be there when I marry but she has parents who are already married. She wont be there or get to know as well any little brothers and sisters she may have but she will most likley have brothers or sisters of her own with her new family. She may never really know her granparents or cousins, aunts and uncles, but she gets grandparents, cousins aunts and uncles in her new family. I hear they are all wonderful and loving people both on her mothers and fathers side. My parents have the privalige of knowing some of them and my sister will hopefully have the privalige of at least meeting corinne as her and the mother are good friends. Even my neice might be lucky enough to meet her cousin because of her mothers friendship with the adoptive mother. This is all awesome! A lot of times when you feel like crap you want others to feel like crap too. It makes me so happy to know I can feel like crap alone and Corinne can have all the happiness in the world. That sounds weird but its true, if she was going to get a crappy life anyway I would of kept her. I know I wouldnt of done this unless it was completely right and better for her then staying with me would be. There are some perks to placing Corinne, for instance I get oppertunitys to better appreciate my family. They have been amazing and totally supportive, my brothers and sisters (this includes my wonderful in laws) have all pooled money for me to go get my hair done. I am really excited about this because I hate how my hair looks now. I mean I think it looks nice but I get bored with hair styles really quick and this one just doesnt do it for me any more. My parents have been letting me get away with some lazyness that I know wouldnt be aloud accept for the fact I am healing (thanks so much mom and dad). Not to mention they havent yelled at me for my room still being a mess quit yet (thanks again). I swear I will clean it the moment I can continuelsy bend over and lift things comfortably. My mother has been super helpfull like runnign out to the car if I forget things. Helping me try to find lost school work that I need to find soon because I go back on monday. getting perscriptions and driving me to the doctors, also they let me have friends over more often then would normally be aloud. I really apreciate the company of others especially others who let me talk and show them the same pictures of my daughter non stop with out making me talk about the adoption. I dont mind like one or two questions but a million from people gets a little to much. I nervouse for going back to school because I know that all anyone will want to talk to me about. Accept for my beloved Andi who will probably talk to me about boys or get mad at me for thinking im fat. Also I just want to say ( totally not sucking up) the staff at New Start are all very supportive and I really apreciate them. I dont allways get along with um all the teachers but I know they care and that is cool. I like the alternative school because it is more supportive, my other school I had um a little less help and more hinting on the side of they thought I should get an abortion. I didnt really apreciate that. I will be choosing classes on the first day of the session I hope I dont get stuck with crappy ones :( you know what I just realised :.) look that smiley face looks like me. Get it the period is like my monroe (the peircing on my face for those of you that dont know what that is called) hehe but its on the wrong side oh well. well thats all for now folks. Ill leave you something to ponder. While writeing this something occured to me, you know what a weird word is? wrinkle. Like who invented that word. . . Hehe wrinkle :)

So I was Able to find the other post I lost and saved it. But It posted it in the place were i orginaly put iit so you have to scroll to my past posts to read it. Its the picture of her laying with a little purple doll and her eyes arent open.

I know at first this image is kinda gross. I mean she is covered in spit up. But I am putting it up to prove my child is the cutest baby in the world even when she is covered in spit up she looks adorable. That is why this is easly one of my favorite pictures of her yet. This Brings me to a subject I really like to think about, the subject that calms me when i feel alone and makes me feel better when I feel lonley. The subject of this is my favorite picture of her yet. yet, when I think of the word yet it reminds me of the infanite possabilitys of my childs life. It reminds me that although i love this spit up covered picture of her there will be a thousand other pictures of her that I will love. There will be a hundred more visits with funny things I will remember like this legendary spit up (this is a pic of the spit fountain i told you about last night). I get a whole lifetime to enjoy this baby and it is only the first week of her life and I already enjoy her so much. I think something I imagen other girls who place there children for adoption as I myself easly find that you can get caught up in the now. Oh I just had my baby and I miss her now. Or I think I could take care of her now. Or I cant be with out her now. Well what about later, you will see them again later. Even if its a closed adoption and sadley it is much later then you might like. Or you might be able to handle her now but kids only get more expensive and demanding as they get older and what happens if you are single and you end up marrying and having a family will the other child feel left out. Or now you want to keep her so you will give up school just for now. But really with adoption you could still have both to see and love your child and do what best for you. I know I think with my adoption personally as hard as it is it is a win win situation. The family that I chose loves Corinne very much and will care for he and provide for her, I know they will teach her valubal things and encourage her to do what it right and pursue things that are healthy and desirable. They will give her chances and oppurtunitys in life that I could never of provided. I miss her so much but at the same time, I get to go back to getting my life prepaired for when I am ready to have children. I get to go back to school and graduate continue on to collage and hopefully soon move out of my parents house. It allows me to continue my life in a way that would not of been possable had I kept her. Not to mention I think the mother is a much more compitent mother then I would be and the father is wonderful. She wouldnt of had a father if she had stayed with me. It seems often in life I find the most difficult desisions or the best choices that give you the most rewards are often ones that take a personal sacrafice on your behalf. You give up something good or even amazing for something better in the long run. It is hard to be happy with a reward that has not come yet but I know it is coming and that gets me by I guess. On a small other note I just noticed this website auto saves drafts. I am going to try to recover my lost post from when my computer unplugged as i worked on it for like an hour.

I got to see Corinne today. It was a short visit but its better then nothing. I think my family is very sensitive to what Im going through, like they gave me her hat from the hospital today. It really means a lot, I think the little things like that, her hat, They make me so happy. I think they make dealing with this a lot easyer. I still say this is the hardest thing i have ever done but that wont ever change. I knew it would be hard but it doesnt change it now. Im very lonley but that is ok. I dont mind so much. I see how happy she is with them and I can tell they really love her. That is probably the best thing to see. Its nice cuz the adoptive father is very funny. today she was wearing a gray and white striped outfit and he kept joking she looked like she just broke out of baby prison. It was true though, I hope that is the only time she ever looks like a fugative haha. I am still crazy sore but its slowley starting to get better :). I should start looking for a job again soon too. I cant say how holding her in my arms feels. No amount of time will ever be enough with her. Like I said I could look at her for an eternity and be so happy. She was actually awake for the whole visit wich was nice because she slept through the whole last visit. She also did a beastly soaring spit up all over her mom! It was so funny and disgusting it was like a fountain i swear it had at least a foot range projectile! Like she was just holding her normal and corinne barfs like a fountain of spit up all over the mom! haha gross. Not to mention the cutest pic of corinne I think s the one were she is all covered in spit up haha! I miss her so much I really hope to see her one more time before she goes to texas. So when all the pain from my giving birth goes away i get to schedual for a root canal fun right? well that all for now im going to bed.

I am so excited! Tomorrow morning corinne and her parents are coming aver for a visit. I miss her so much its crazy. I cant wait to see her. I am so happy I might have a hard time sleeping. Today I went to church thing with my mom. There was a lady with her baby there i couldnt even stand it I started crying and I had to leave. I would of never of though it would be this hard. The days arent so bad but nights are aweful. When I was pregnant I used to kinda hug my belly and sing/talk to corinne till i fell asleep. I feel so lonely now that I am the only person ocupying my body. I miss having her close to me, I swear I could hold her for eternity and be perfectly happy and never get bored. I miss her. I know I made the right choice but that doesnt make my choice hurt any less. It is much more painful then i thought, and I know it will only get worse when she leaves back to texas. The picture you see is my favorite picture of her so far. She is so beautiful I never in a million years thought it was possible to love someone this much. She is the light of my life and the center of my world. I can honestly say there is nothing I wouldnt do for her. I love her so much. I fill my days with scrapbooking her baby album and looking at her pictures, working on this class or anything els to do with her. there are times when I dont want to talk about it but there is never a time were I dont want to look at her picture. I sleep with the blanket she was first swaddled in, and the doll from her portraits. I miss her so much its insaine. I look at her and I am filled to the brim woth love and pride, i feel so full my heart could explode, like I ate a pair of fuzzy slippers. I lay alone in my bed or stand in a crowded room and I have never felt more alone or incomplete. She is a part of me and I no longer have her. When im not with her I feel as though im missing half of myself. There are many times were I wish I was still pregnant. But i know this is for the better.

so i had this huge long post about the labor and my computer came unplugged before I posted it and deleted everything yay. So I got mad and didnt want to write it again, then i got lazy and didnt post for a while. So Corinne Rose was born on wednesday at 306 in the afternoon, she was seven pounds two oz. and twenty inches long. She was beautiful. The hospital took professional pictures of her, and we are having them sent to us i cant wait till they get here. I got to spend a little over 24 hours with her, they were so amazing. I placed her with her adoptive mother at around 7 on thursday. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought. Then she came to visit me on saturday. I had my friend christina staying with me since friday. Christina went home last night and today was my first real day alone. I felt fine all day untill about ten minutes ago. I cant even describe how hard it is for me to even write about corinne right now. Im only doing it so my teacher can see im still blogging and working on the class. I have a million beautiful pictures to post later. Thats all for now.

Corinne Rose was born on the seventh of october at 3:06 in the afternoon. She weighed seven pounds two ounces and was 19.7 inches long. She is the most beautiful baby in the world. although I might be a little biased. I was in labor for fourteen and a half hours, and I pushed for two and a half. It was the the hardest work out of my life! Giving birth is nothing like you think it is. It is the hardest most worthwhile and beautiful thing ever. Epidural's are the best thing ever invented! This is what my labor was like, I was eating diner and my water broke, it was nine thirty and then we got to the hospital and they checked me in, my contractions were about eight minutes apart and not painful at all. So when my contractions weren't speeding up enough on there own they put me on pitocin, a drug that is supposed to strengthen your contractions. They started the pitocin at midnight and I was only dilated to a two and a half and I was having painfull contractions by one and got my epidural and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning at like ten and was hungry and started straightening my hair but I only got half way through it before it was time to push. Pushing is the weirdest/hardest thing ever, I pushed and pushed, its hard because you have never done it before so then you don't know if your doing it right and then you push and push and it doesn't feel like you are making any progress. So every time you push it will push the baby out a little then she goes back a little, they were explaining this to me after about an hour of pushing and you could see the head and how it was coming out. I was so tired I was like whats the point if she just goes back in every time! I was frustrated because it doesnt feel like you are making any progress at all and I didn't know what I was doing so I wasn't sure if I was doing it right. Then finally after two and a half hours im so tired they tell me I only need to push like two more times for her to come and I was like no I cant im to tired I cant Im to tired! But I did and then she came out like all at once! It was crazy. I got to spend a little over 24 hours with her, and then I placed her with her mother. After placement her mother gave me a necklace its opal corinne birth stone with tanzanite and a tiney little diamond accent its beutiful. I wanted a necklae to remember corinne by and this one is a truley beautiful one to do it. I havent taken it off accept to shower since I got it, and I can easly say it is my favorite peice of jullery ever reseived. She really didnt have to but it was very thoughtfull of her. I dont think I could of picked a more caring family. They care a lot about how I feel and that is important to me. It seems like I have noticed in some adoptions the feelings of the birthmother are kinda swept under the rug, or forgotten. I really appreciate that the family cares about what I want and takes me into consideration a lot more then I expected them too. The way they have delt with the adoption has not only impressed me but also made it much easyer for me to deal with. I really miss Corinne but thanks to them I dont feel like I have lost her at all. I can honestly say I love and apreciate the family that will be caring for my child. I am not very religouse but I thank god that I was lucky enough to happen apon them. They worked out so wonderfully so far that I wonder how I got this lucky. I know its only been a week but I thought I would be a lot more depressed than I am by now and a lot of that is thanks to my adoptive family, and of course my parents who I havent mentioned yet but they have been absolutly wonderfull with this difficult time. Them and the rest of my family are very supportive and I cant tell them ow much I apreciate it.

I was eating dinner, and I am pretty sure my water broke. Its not like rushing, but it is slow and constant. I am so excited. I am pretty sure this is it. I will finally meet my baby girl :) Corrine welcome to your new life! we are going to wait a little to go to the hospital because my contractions aren't bad. I really think this is the real deal. No more false alarms, Im going to be a mom, and her mother leah will be so happy too! i cant even describe the excitement that I feel. Today could be the day my baby girl is born into the world, well first labors are usually longer so tomorrow could be the day. October seventh may be the day my baby is born! oh im so excited.

what it means to be a mom

So here is my baby girl. This ultra sound was taken at five months. I love it, I know this may sound weird but i really hope her nose looks the same! She totally has a button nose in this ultrasound, I love everything you can see her spine and belly and ears, arms and all! I totally geek out every time I look at it :). Today I started reading some pamphlets on open adoption written by a woman who placed herself. I don't know, but it is weird to talk about your feelings on the adoption but it is a completely different thing to read about feelings. It was almost harder reading about separation grief and such than talking about it or thinking about it. I know that it will be hard to be away from my baby, because i love her so much, but I'm only doing this because I love her so much. I don't want to think about the pain. I want to be happy for the life I know I am giving her. A life I know I cant give her.

Earlier in the pregnancy I felt bad that I was placing her, I felt as though it was a failure on my part that I wasn't ready to raise her myself. I felt like i was being a bad mother, and that it wasn't fare. Then I thought of what it meant to me to be a mother. I have all ways felt that first and foremost it is a mothers responsibility to all ways put the welfare of her child above herself. To make sure no matter what she is giving her child all the best she can, the best foot forward, the best happiness, the best chance of success. I feel It is her duty to love and nurture them before herself, to make sure they are comfortable and happy even if that makes her less comfortable and less happy. It is having a pure unconditional love for her child that never wavers in strength even when she may waver in strength. It is to be strong even when you have no strength left for the benefit of your child. I have all ways believed that a bad mom is a selfish mom, and even though I still should not have been a mom till I was ready. I made the choice and have no other choice but to try and make the best posable choice now. I feel by making this choice I am showing all of the qualities that I just listed above. I may not be able to raise her, but choosing not to raise her is the choice that makes me the best mother to her I can be at this moment. It is not because I don't love her, do not want her around or don't like screaming babies (although I will admit screaming children aren't really my thing). It is because I love her to much to doom her to a life were she will have less opportunities, less chances and legs up, less happiness or less security financial and otherwise. A life with out a responsible father or a steady home. It will be hard for me, it is already hard for me. She is a part of me, I have given her my life so she can have life. I have shared my body with her while she grows her own. I felt her first kicks and hiccups. I will all ways remember my first ultra sound with my mom and my second to find out she was a girl. I will all ways think of her and hope for her happiness and the best of everything. I may eventually have other children but she will all ways be just as much of a part of me and mean just as much as they will. When she leaves I know I am losing a part of myself with her. She has taught me a lot in our time together, and keeping her i may learn more, but a child is not a hand bag a teacher or an experiment. I wont put her at risk so I can show her off or play mommy when I am not ready. It hurts that she will never think of me as her real mother or call me mom or talk to me about boys. We will never fight laugh or cry the way a mother and daughter do. But she is my daughter and I am he mother in the only way I know how to be, the best way I can be. Well this one got way longer then I anticipated... thats all for now goodnight.

Hi

Hello my name is Marina Churchill. I am nineteen years old and am nine months pregnant with a baby girl. Her name is Corrine Rose, and I am placing her for adoption. To tell you a little bit about myself, I myself was adopted when I was six, but I had been living with the family as a foster child since I was two. Unlike with this adoption, mine was done by the state and not the choice of my birthmother. I had an open adoption and have known my birthmother my whole life. My birth mother has been struggling with addiction of many kinds for most of my life and it was hard for me growing up, but I think it makes me appreciate my real mother a lot more. I say real mom because even though she didn't give birth to me, my mom has been the best and way more of a mother to me then my birth mother could ever have been. I still love my birth mom but she has her own issues she has been dealing with, so she cant be there for me the way she should have been, and that is okay. I have two half blood siblings an older sister and a younger brother, and then I have five adopted siblings two sisters and three brothers. I am the only adopted child in my family, it doesn't bother me. four of my five siblings are happily married and three of them have beautiful baby girls. I love both my families very much and I feel I was meant to be a part of both of them.

I am currently still in high school and looking for a job. I am single and I have not been with the father since the early in my second trimester. My choice to place the baby has been just that: my choice. I cant really explain all of my reasons for this choice. I wont lie this has been and will probably be the hardest thing I ever will have to do. I love my baby more than anyone could put into words. I am generally a very selfish person so caring so much for someone that I really don't know at all is a very strange feeling. I have struggled with my choice ever since I made it. I know that I am making the right choice, for her and myself even though it is the hardest choice. I feel very strongly that everything happens for a reason and this is no different. I have cried and been happy/sad and grown up more in these last nine months more than any other time in my life. I can say for sure I have learned and will continue to learn a lot from this, and I invite you all to learn with me. I guess that is all for now.