Haha My hair is super crazy in this picture right? funny funny. So through the grape vine I hear my teacher really likes my blog :) A+ material right? Hehe just kidding. I actually really enjoy blogging. Its like I get to say everything about how I feel about this with out actually having to talk to anyone about it, its nice. Honestly I dont know if I could talk like this out loud. Corinne leaves for texas saturday, my little cow girl I guess. Im scared and happy, I feel a little helpless she is going so far away. I wont be around if she needs help or protection. Im just glad I found a family I feel I can trust with her well being. As it is I ruined all my hard work, I was on a diet (to rid myself of mommy fluff) I had cut way back on sweets and had not had a soda in like four days. Alas it did not last as my parental units took us all out for my brothers birthday :( we went to the old spagetti factory and I ate this huge piece of delouse coffee ice cream cake and an Italian soda :( but I must say it was good :) coffee flavored things are created by the devil to lure me into being fat. Haha just kidding. I will start walking tomorrow and just go back to eating healthy and soon hopefully my tummy will return to its former glory, besides the fact my streatch marks will all ways be there :( oh well. At dinner my too cute three week old neice was there. It was interesting to see how big she was already after being born only three weeks ago! I remember she was a little wrinkle ball just like corinne. I love how wrinkled new borns are, its precouse. Any way I started thinking about how in two weeks Corinne will have probably filled out all her wrinkley skin too, and I wont be there to see. but being a birthmother I have to accept that one of the things that I chose to sacrafice for her happieness is that I will not watcher her grow day by day, I will not see her first steps or hear her first word. I wont potty train her or help her with homework, and that is okay. I feel sad when I think of all I will miss in her life. I only hope she loves me enough that one day she will want me in her life and tell and share things about herself with me. I realise though that in only the best of ways she will miss out on nothing. She may not be there when I marry but she has parents who are already married. She wont be there or get to know as well any little brothers and sisters she may have but she will most likley have brothers or sisters of her own with her new family. She may never really know her granparents or cousins, aunts and uncles, but she gets grandparents, cousins aunts and uncles in her new family. I hear they are all wonderful and loving people both on her mothers and fathers side. My parents have the privalige of knowing some of them and my sister will hopefully have the privalige of at least meeting corinne as her and the mother are good friends. Even my neice might be lucky enough to meet her cousin because of her mothers friendship with the adoptive mother. This is all awesome! A lot of times when you feel like crap you want others to feel like crap too. It makes me so happy to know I can feel like crap alone and Corinne can have all the happiness in the world. That sounds weird but its true, if she was going to get a crappy life anyway I would of kept her. I know I wouldnt of done this unless it was completely right and better for her then staying with me would be. There are some perks to placing Corinne, for instance I get oppertunitys to better appreciate my family. They have been amazing and totally supportive, my brothers and sisters (this includes my wonderful in laws) have all pooled money for me to go get my hair done. I am really excited about this because I hate how my hair looks now. I mean I think it looks nice but I get bored with hair styles really quick and this one just doesnt do it for me any more. My parents have been letting me get away with some lazyness that I know wouldnt be aloud accept for the fact I am healing (thanks so much mom and dad). Not to mention they havent yelled at me for my room still being a mess quit yet (thanks again). I swear I will clean it the moment I can continuelsy bend over and lift things comfortably. My mother has been super helpfull like runnign out to the car if I forget things. Helping me try to find lost school work that I need to find soon because I go back on monday. getting perscriptions and driving me to the doctors, also they let me have friends over more often then would normally be aloud. I really apreciate the company of others especially others who let me talk and show them the same pictures of my daughter non stop with out making me talk about the adoption. I dont mind like one or two questions but a million from people gets a little to much. I nervouse for going back to school because I know that all anyone will want to talk to me about. Accept for my beloved Andi who will probably talk to me about boys or get mad at me for thinking im fat. Also I just want to say ( totally not sucking up) the staff at New Start are all very supportive and I really apreciate them. I dont allways get along with um all the teachers but I know they care and that is cool. I like the alternative school because it is more supportive, my other school I had um a little less help and more hinting on the side of they thought I should get an abortion. I didnt really apreciate that. I will be choosing classes on the first day of the session I hope I dont get stuck with crappy ones :( you know what I just realised :.) look that smiley face looks like me. Get it the period is like my monroe (the peircing on my face for those of you that dont know what that is called) hehe but its on the wrong side oh well. well thats all for now folks. Ill leave you something to ponder. While writeing this something occured to me, you know what a weird word is? wrinkle. Like who invented that word. . . Hehe wrinkle :)